Ted Williams, pictured here before his abduction.

TEHERAN (AP) - Gobi Mongols star player Ted "The Splendid Splinter" Williams was captured yesterday en route to Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia by a group of British terrorists in Teheran, Iran. The four terrorists, identified only by their pseudonyms, "Spice", were also accompanied by a fifth terrorist, a former NBA basketball player named "Denny Spice". Williams was allowed by the terrorists to speak with Mongols officials and stated, "Get me the hell outta here! These people are armed with microphones and are torturing me! Do what ever the hell they say!"

The terrorists then told the Mongols that Williams could be released for one million boxes of Cheezy Poofs. The Mongols said, "We are all scared for Ted at this time. No GM wants him to go through what he's going through. He will persevere, though, and we will do whatever it takes to get Williams back. These terrorists are horrible, and I bet this will make Ted and the team want to thrash those London Substitutes even more."